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Monday, October 25, 2010

Learning to Juggle

I've written and re-written the opening to this post like 10 times. I keep writing and deleting, writing and deleting. I can't seem to form words.

I started writing this blog almost 2 years ago. This will be my 348th post. Which means that I've written on average about every other day. That blows my mind. Because so many times I feel like I really have no words. Right now... this time in my life... is one of those times.

I started this blog for several reasons. I wanted to track my progress in my photography journey. I had NO CLUE what I was doing when I started this blog... I wanted to remember my joys and successes, but also my heartbreaks and failures. Not only in Photography, but in life. This blog, while business related, is not my business. It is a personal record. I am grateful for the support and the readers that I have... and I adore getting feedback and comments. But that is not why I blog. I blog to remember where I've been. So that I don't forget where I came from. So that I can move forward.

I'm not just a photographer.
I'm a daughter...
...a friend...
...a youth pastor...
...an artist...
...a fiance...
... and so much more than that.

Life seems to be a balancing act.
Or maybe it's better said that it's a juggling act.
A constant process to keep several balls in the air at one time.
Have you ever watched someone juggle?
Someone who has been doing it for years can sometimes make it look easy.
And yet, even they drop a ball every now and then.
But have you ever watched someone who is just learning to juggle?
The can't seem to catch 2 balls in a row to save their life!
And their bodies are flailing all over the place in hopes of catching the stray balls.
Most of the time... they end up dropping them all.

I feel a little like a person learning to juggle.
I'm struggling to keep all the balls in the air at the same time.
And failing.

I know I am behind on blogging.
I have SO MANY things to blog... but I seem to keep dropping that ball.

Some of you who have followed my blog know that I am engaged to a soldier.
Currently, he is overseas... fighting a war.
And that ball feels like less like a tennis ball and more like a 20 pound medicine ball.

If I were to be honest, I would say that I feel a bit out of control right now.
I'm getting things done... but half of my heart is gone.
And it hurts.
Sometimes I feel like crying.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...
Like crawling in bed and sleeping for the next year.
But I don't give up...
And I get out of bed...
And somehow I find a way to hold it together.
I pick up the ball I dropped...
And I start to juggle again.

And each time, I pick up a ball...
I get a little better at juggling.



Photos by Love Ala.


amanda thiessen said...

i loved this. i hope you can be strong while your soldier is away..

Ana said...

Lovely post. Perfect timing too since I was trying to learn how to juggle last Wednesday at church :) Totally serious. It's also His timing because He is teaching me about balance. I consider myself an all or none type of person. Jesus is teaching me balance. I'm glad we are in this together.
<3 Ana

Marissa Nicole said...

Its funny you write this today because last night I was scrolling through the blogs I follow and yours is in that list. I asked myself "why hasn't she been writing like she used to?" Now I know.
I can only imagine how bad it hurts to have him gone, but rather than let it be something that brings you donw. Allow it to be something that challenges you. Use the time he is away to push yourself beyond the means you ever thought you could. Whether that be through blogging, photography, or just simply keeping all your balls in the air.
You can do this...don't stress, don't worry!

Candee said...

Diandra, hang in there and let God give you the strength you need!
1 Peter 5:7

Jewelielyn said...

this makes me sad. but also proud, as i watch you deal with yet another difficult circumstance in your life. i am constantly amazed at how you keep moving forward, even through hard times. and while i love diandra ann the photographer (as evidenced by my desire to help you,) i love diandra the daughter even more!! you are awesome!

Lydia said...

I so know those feelings. Here and there I'll have an empty day to take a deep breath, throw out a few old "to do" lists, and begin the craziness again with a new one. You can do it, girl!

Jasmine Davis said...

I love this post. I am right there with you. I have a photography business and my husband is deployed overseas. It feels comforting to know that someone can feel the exact same way I'm feeling...

Thank you soo much.